Monthly Archives: May 2014

Conversation with a teen

I recently had a conversation with a IADLife client who is 14yrs. Her situations helps me share with people that various age groups look at life with different binoculars. This Indian teenager had situations at home, at school and with her classmates

I suggested to her, based on our discussion that she could share these points with her peers and other people ….I believe that with one person’s  step/healing comes the healing of others…I suggested that she write an essay on what she had learnt from our session together at IADLife and share with her classmates and teachers and parents and relatives and others, thus, bringing some more guidance and support to her ….fellow growing teenagers

I collated the points (as follows) so that she could use it in her essay and share it.

Points to be shared with the teachers and Classmates and others (anybody)

  • You appreciate what the teachers are doing for you. You would also like people to understand that at this age, along with romantic inclination, connection, association, it is also possible that boys and girls can actually be friends. Mainly because you are still in the process of  figuring out “What is like/love”
  • There is a possibility that teachers have seen cases where, people tend to get romantically involved and teachers have to bear the brunt of it from the parents.  You see, parents have little or no control over what their children, as they are away from them, while they at school. They pass on their responsibility to teachers.  In the class for the number of hours, children are in the class they are the students, parents have little or no say/ little or no control over their actions. There is no continuous access. They are sending the children to the school and it is understood that they are primarily there to study. ‘Actually what they need to know is that their children are there to learn. Learning come from various sources, not just books.’
  • This is an era when we have co-ed schools and people of both genders mix and get an opportunity to learn from each other. Feelings are natural and it is ‘ok’ to have them for each other.  Scientifically it has been proven that feelings are the way to communicate with your God/ your Universe, then how can it ever be a bad thing. Feelings are GOOD. We need to be pay attention to our feelings and value and honour them. Romantic feelings are natural to arise and these feelings are healthy and normal. If you are asked not to have romantic feelings that will be unnatural. There are lots of chemical changes that are associated with the romantic feelings, they happen on its own. Your feelings are your own, and it is within you only. It cannot be seen by others and therefore it is up to you how and when you can choose to share or express them.
  • What you need to know is that you are allowed to do everything (play, go for movies, shopping, like someone, , go on dates, and other extra curriculum activities like increasing your skills and talents), as long as you do not let it affect your studies and other work.
  • However, romantic association between two in the school or office is not promoted or supported, this is because the authorities believe that it alienates the couples and their interaction with others are affected, thus affecting the study or work. Everything done within ‘ethical’ boundaries are always admired. But, then who decides what is ethical and what goes beyond that, here’s then that parents, senior friends, teachers, counsellors  or anyone you value, respect and trust can guide you.
  • “Mix with people…do not stay in gangs…” your teachers say that. You put in so much of effort to find people you get along with, like-minded people and when you are asked to talk to others it is like you have to put in new set of efforts to know them. This is outside your comfort zone. Everybody likes their comfort zone. But what is the fun if you stay with the same people all the time. It’s like watching the different movies with the same actors/artists again and again. Would you like to do that. Would you like to play same game all the time. How much are you going to learn from the same set of people.  And, yes you are here to learn even from these people (life’s learning).

Spread out and mix with all people. You could choose your core group as your friends and still mix with others.

Your parents, teachers, classmates are not the only set of people you are going to meet. In this global world, people move and they travel to gain knowledge and experiences. In this world where there are billions of people you have a scope to meet with, you are upset if your teacher asks you to mix with a class of of 45/50 students. In this day and age you could keep our mind open to growth and learning, otherwise you will be a frog in the well. Your teachers are just asking you the move out of well experience the world.

  • When you grow up and start working in the corporates or any other place, you will go places and meet new and diverse people from various back ground, many of them will be male counter-part or colleagues or acquaintances. Key to getting good work done by your male/female colleague, is by communication. Learning and practice of ‘communication’ starts now, while you are at school. e.g. When you say to someone “Can u do this” as compared to “I would really appreciate it if you could do this”,  The latter is the friendly and effective.
  • World is looking for leaders and their followers. Both play a major role in future of the world. These are the contributors. One contributes by helping and other by taking help. Humans is a social being, we take help on every day basis, if your dad has paid for your school fees (along with other things), you are accepting help, if our mother is cooking for you, you are accepting help, if you see/know people who keep your home, your streets and you school clean we are taking their help (there are several other examples).  When we study and acknowledge their support we are giving help  (there are several other examples for this too). As you grow in age your way of giving help with change. The world functions smoothly on giving and receiving help and support. It’s a awesome thing. It is not a sign of weakness.

If anyone comes to you for help. Whether it is your friend who needs help on emotional front, or somebody needs help in subjects etc. Help if you can, else, point in the right direction, right teacher, right parent, right counsellor.  Sometimes being there for a friend is also great help.

  • Many times it seems that u can handle situations on your own without involving teachers. I am sure the teachers have so much faith in you, but when have you proven that, if you making noise and not talking to each other or not listening to each other and are in gangs how are teachers going to show enough faith. Would you have faith in a shopkeeper if you have not had one successful purchase from them. Prove yourself, and see the support you get.
  • Be willing to hear your teachers, parents they have more experience than you, you could politely/clearly tell them when the discussion/conversation becomes ‘hurtful’ or ‘blame’ oriented.  Explain to them that “it is because of the hurt and blame that we tend to resist listening and revolt /rebel”. What they tell you may be lot of information. Information shared, can be kept in your repository and can be used for someone else’s benefit. It may or may not directly apply to you but this knowledge can help u help someone else.
  • Communication is key. Use of the right language is the key to right communication and in getting the desired outcome. Be it with parents, be it teachers, be it classmates and just about with anybody. You need to know how to ask, please ask in a different manner, till you get a satisfactory manner. Once you can do that, notice how smooth your conversations will flow. You will start enjoying talking to people you have been avoiding and you will be able to see how it is contributing in your growth.

Also, you need to know these facts…

You are important and everything you do is important. When you feel left out, ask “what can I do”, “How do I get involved”, become a part and participate and contribute.

All in all you are here on this planet to learn and enjoy your life.

Advertisements