practice RELIANCE instead of defiance.
Case Study: ‘P’ a mother of two children, a boy, and a girl, was offended when her girl child was taken out of the building premises without her permission by another building resident ‘D’.
‘P’ was standing with her 5-year-old daughter and ‘D’ happened to pass by, and she directly asked the little girl to come with her while she stepped out of the building gate.
‘D’ took the little girl’s arm, mumbling to the little girl without looking at the mother of the child, ‘let’s go pick up my daughter.’ The mother, ‘P’ just stood there.
Why did the mother not say anything? Why did ‘D’ not consider ‘the mother’s’ presence? Let’s keep the answers to these questions for later.
Another similar incident happened involving the same set of people.
‘D’s’ daughter’s birthday party was an exciting topic of discussion amongst the building kids. ‘P’s’ kids enthusiastically shared with her about the party. ‘P’ was more offended than unsure, as she was not informed directly and her permission was not asked.
She contemplated several scenarios to get answers for such recurring events in her space.
She could have just told her children they cannot go. The reason that she could have shared is that aunty did not inform me, so you guys cannot go.
Chances are children may lie the next time or even in this temperament may try to reason with her, taking the side of that aunty, only to add salt to the wound and aggravate the situation.
Thus, causing a circle of no approval to a justification of no approval, thus raising anger to more of no approval again.
Instead, if she chooses to teach her children RELIANCE, the situation could be resolved for all involved.
Now while the building aunty ’D’ was taking ‘P’s’ daughter without considering taking the permission from the parent. There is a question this mother could put to the daughter in presence of the lady, ‘Excuse me please ‘D’, need to have a word with my daughter.” (smiling or not smiling), “hey baby girl (or name), are you supposed to go without my permission?’
‘P’ could have the conversation where she and her daughter could decide, whether ‘P’ can give permission and the daughter can decide whether she gets to go.’ Then inform the lady ‘D’ of the final decision. Please remember most of the time such situations come unannounced and leave a short span of time to react or decide. These are the times where instead of giving up or saying ‘no’, having conversations and listening builds up the communication.
Now, let’s understand the birthday situation. Because the lady ‘D’ was not present, the conversation has to happen with the children.’P’ could say, ‘Hey, guys! But I am not informed. Wouldn’t it be right/awesome/proper for aunty to inform me too?’ So either child/children inform the aunty to keep their mother updated or ‘P’ could be faced with follow-up questions.
Please remember, these children really want to go to the birthday party. They don’t want to be left behind. They have all their building friends there.
They could ask ‘P’ ‘Do u not trust us?’, ‘Could you call her, and confirm?’
‘P’ could negotiate here. ‘If I do it this time, I want to be informed next time.’ Also, if she gives them an option of going, but can buy the gifts only when she has time in nearest future. This releases the mother’s stress, which was all along the reason. But it reflected as lack of respect and lack of approval.
Are you doing the same behaviour with yourself? Do you give yourself permission to show your reliance, rather than pushing yourself into getting defiant.
RELIANCE is being supportive, loving, respecting, understanding, and communicating.
Defiant is provoking cross questioning, lying, challenging, ignoring, rejecting and misbehaving.
The reason ‘D’ did not ask for ‘P’s’ permission was that ‘D’ has been defiant with herself. She has rejected herself and has taken so much rejection that even a fun idea like the one that she proposed, she was not able to execute without fear. The fear that her fun suggestion will be rejected by ‘P’.
Had ‘D’ been practicing self-reliance, she would have suggested the idea to the mother and then daughter. The idea of asking the little girl to accompany her to pick her friend (D’s daughter).Then ‘D’ would let them decide, and ‘D’ would be comfortable with what they decide.
‘P’ too has been following defiance and therefore could not say anything as she was rarely included for any major decision making in past and at home. She gathered that her opinion did not count. She had information like, ‘you are not important’ and the insult that came with it, ready and loaded at the reaction level. ‘P’ was so busy accessing her preconceived reaction, that she missed the opportunity to converse in the present situation.
When you need to stick to your schedules, practices, routines, when you forget, miss out, quit, what do you say or do to yourself.
Reliance teaches discipline, taking responsibility, showing trust, promotes you to do more, do better, enhance.
It does not teach you escapism that comes from defiance.
Therefore give yourself permission to practice RELIANCE instead of defiance.
Reena Yadav, IADLife
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