Why do people get upset?-Wednesday Why?
Question from Ishanvi, 6 years old, Class 1.
Case Study: Ishanvi, Nadeen, Krishiv, and Vishnu are friends living in the same building. Their age group is 6 to 10 years. They play together and they get bored together. Sometimes they fight.
At one such occasion while they were playing hide and seek Vishnu called Krishiv ‘cheater.’ Krishiv defended himself saying ‘he did not cheat.’ Krishiv did not like the allegation and decided to discontinue the game. With his exit, the rest of the participants decided that the number of players required for the game was not there, and therefore the game came to an unexpected halt.
They dispersed and Vishnu and Ishanvi came to IADLife office where their mother Priyashree was in conversation with me. They complained that they were getting bored. After getting their mom’s attention they settled down on the sofa.
I asked them what happened. Vishnu narrated his version of what happened. So I asked him to call Krishiv. Vishnu ran out to call the rest of the group. On his way to the IADLife office, Vishnu told Krishiv that I was calling them because he had told me and his mom about what had happened. As a response Krishiv called Vishnu ‘complaint box.’ This Vishnu mentioned as soon as both entered my office. So I decided to address what ‘complaining’ is first, before solving their fight.
Complaining is when one person speaks about a person completely focusing on the other person’s actions and expect from the person to whom they have complained, to show acknowledgment and/or approval in some way.
But, here Vishnu was answering a question that his mom had asked. This may or may not have been a complaint.
I started to address their present fight. My explanation was as follows.
‘When you are friends these things happen. One person behaves in one manner and the other person will behave in another manner. The difference in the manner you behave will sometimes become a reason for the fight and get upset, as you may not agree with each other’s behavior.’
Here Ishanvi asked, ‘Why do people get upset?’
Nadeen shared his viewpoint, he said, ’there is a reason, friends fight but later on they will call us.’ This is an excellent point. Friends patch up and reunite. But, the time difference between a friend has got upset and left, to the time both come back together has to be as less as possible. The reason this time difference increase is because as a young person they had not learned to solve situations between the friends and thus the unresolved issues start to pile up. As a result, friends get upset with each other at the slightest difference in behavior and with each added hurt they find that it requires more energy input and understanding to clear it. Because of the lack of guidance, practice or even knowledge of the requirement of the solving, the reconciliation gets more difficult with each fight. Anger gets attached with each fight. That prevents in solving the situation or hurt. Even if friends keep coming back together because they lack choice or have hope, the hurt will keep getting more intense, till it is finally addressed and solved.
I explained to my little friends in the following manner.
‘When you fight, you may go back to your friend to play with them because you might think you have no other choice. But, in your mind, it might remain that this friend did wrong to me. So if you say Vishnu did one thing. Then you still go and play with Vishnu because you don’t have anyone else to play with. Next time something happens and you say ‘Vishnu did the second thing. It will keep increasing because it was not discussed, addressed or solved. You will have it in your mind that, to you Vishnu is wrong. Or Krishiv did something wrong. Krishiv is wrong the first time and Krishiv is wrong the second time. So it will start collecting. The third fight will become three. In the sixth fight, it will become six.
So now, is it easy to solve one or six?’
All four of them unanimously answered ‘one.’
‘So from now make it a point to ask your friend, why did they call you ‘what they called you.’ When you do not like what you are being called, convert it into what you would like. For example, change ‘complaint box’ or convert it to ‘appreciation box.’ If you are the one who is calling your friend a complaint box then that means you have a lot to be complained about. So when you call your friend appreciation box, your friend will be noticing what is appreciative of about you, and say only that.
You need to do this for everything that is bothering you.
Then you will not be upset.’
Reena Yadav, IADLife
WhatsApp Number: +919886077034