Why do we expect appreciation from others? – Wednesday Why?
Question from Mrs. Rashmi Harish.
IADLife Blog: https://itsadeservinglife.wordpress.com/2017/12/12/appreciation-from-others
You expect appreciation from others because you are not able to appreciate yourself. The reason because of which you have not been able to appreciate yourself is you don’t know how to do it.
So, do you know how to fly a plane? If not, then why not? The answer is because you haven’t learned it. The real reason being, you think you do not know how to fly the plane is because you have not gone through the training that one is supposed to go through. Because somebody told you that you have to go through aeronautics and you require to have the pilot’s license. You have to go through the training period and practice in order to fly a plane.
So to understand appreciation and appreciating, let’s start from the very beginning. What is appreciation? Sugar coating and lying certainly are not. Appreciation can be in part or in whole. You can appreciate by customising the truth.
Case Study: R was invited to Sunday brunch at her mom’s place. R’s mom prepared a rice dish. The other family members declared it to be spicy. R was feeding her daughter so she joined them a little later. It was spicy for R too. But she was comfortable having it with curd as the side-dish. When R’s mom asked for an opinion on the dish, R said point blank, ‘it’s nice.’ According to R, she was praising her to spare her mother from any hard feelings, but what R was actually doing was sparing her own self of possible criticism in future in case she receives an opinion on her creation. Because of this act in hesitation, she had just declared herself a liar in front of her mom and lost her credibility to some extent. Next time if her mom would need an opinion on her cooking when she is preparing for some others/outsiders, she would prefer to call upon and rely on the opinion of those who gave their honest opinion. The true fact is there were lots to appreciate on this occasion. R could appreciate the invitation, the provision of food, the interaction, the fact that R did not need to cook at home that day, R’s daughter got a chance to get closer to her maternal grandparents and cousins. As far as the appreciation for the food specifically was concerned, what R wanted to express was, ‘thanks so much for the food, it is spicy for me but with the side dish it is just amazing.’
Bring in, flexibility in the rules and conditions to appreciate. If the understanding of appreciation is stringent in your mind and are based on rules that revolve around the niceness of you then, when you have to voice an opinion you do that as per the rulebook to be sweet. The moment you know the tricks of the trade in appreciation, (a) how you can delayer it, (b) how it can be segregated that is your likes with the ones you don’t like so much, (b) you getting clear about the difference between appreciation and what you like and that they could be mutually exclusive.
Your image, your character, and your outer appearance need not dictate what and how you appreciate. With clarity and practice, appreciation becomes part of your nature. To appreciate is to mention the blessings. As you keep your focus on your blessings you have more and more things that you find yourself to be appreciative about. Appreciation does not come with a compulsion to be polite. However, appreciation is accepted easily and smoothly when politeness is its adjunct. Appreciation with anger and hurt is still appreciation but the anger and hurt are distracting. When you know that appreciation is not about reporting the complete analysis but can be stating few points then it gets comfortable to choose what you wish to state and what you don’t want to mention. For example when you are invited for a party and you loved the arrangement but did not like the food. You could extend your appreciation for the invitation and arrangement. And then full stop. You are not under any compulsion to narrate the Gospel truth. Start paying attention to how you feel when you are appreciating. If it is not so good feeling then, you are not certain about the appreciation or it is forced. When you feel good about appreciating, it is only then that you will be able to convey it in its desired form.
Another important reason why you had not learned appreciating is because you were taught or told not to self-praise. So what you gathered from that was ‘appreciating’ is other’s job.
This is far from the truth. Appreciating self is also your responsibility. You will gain proficiency in appreciating by practicing on self and about your life. Receiving and giving appreciation to others is you giving value. Appreciating is a choice.
So you took help and support from others now it is your opportunity to apply what you have learned.
Thank You and Best Wishes
Reena Yadav, IADLife
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