Monthly Archives: June 2018

Receiving Help

Understanding and removing blockage in receiving help
IADLife Next Chapter: https://itsadeservinglife.wordpress.com/2018/06/25/receiving-help
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RECEIVING HELP2

What causes the blockage in taking help?
This has been explained using a case study, how these blockages quietly seep in and get so deep-rooted that recognising it requires a detailed analysis.
However, the moment you realise that the pain, hurt and loss is primarily yours regardless of who or what was responsible for the beliefs or behaviors  ergo the experience, your journey to take back the power begins. You are now incharge. You now choose. Self-power. Self-motivate. Self-encourage.
Build your support system that will contribute in your manifestation and fulfilment. If the help and support is not to your liking. Let it go. Look for another one. But continue building. Continue.

Case Study: G narrates her life experience.
“When I was growing up, my father suddenly became rude and cruel to me while my parents were trying to have their third child. I was the second daughter and I was made clear early on that I was ‘extra’ because what they wanted was a boy. To show his discontent about my presence in and around him my father, became very vocal about how everything about me was causing him distress. So he started pointing out to my eight-year-old self through his conservative thoughts that he saw wrong in me. That started planting a belief in me that registered in me as  I was not good enough and therefore is I need to do better. My mother followed suit. Her actions seemed to agree with him. She got upset with me easily as compared to my siblings. Beatings happened and one time pencil jabbing in my palm while she was trying to teach me also happened. She never came to rescue me from my father or even to give me assurance of any kind that would refute my father’s attitude towards me. I stopped complaining to them. I started complaining to myself. That became self-blame. All the blame, scarcity of approval and lack of direction and guidance was pushing me more and more towards picking up scraps from what my understanding of what possibly pleases my father. That was primarily to get into his good books. That never happened.

My father was religious or so it appeared from his interests and as I gathered from his prayer rituals and reading of the religious books. My father asked me to read through a chapter of a religious book a day before my exams results were to be declared. I did it. Two things happened here. There were some sentences with which I completely disagreed even as a ten-year-old, but I carried out his wish of reading it anyway. Second I fell asleep while reading the chapter and my results were not good. So what penetrated in my brain as an understanding that if you fall asleep during the these type of tasks, it is not good for me. I would be punished with bad results. This continued as I grew older. I worked hard to get anywhere to succeed in anything by just looking for alternatives like religious steps like visiting holy places and reading religious books. The efforts did not go where I thought they should have gone, in the task at hand. I failed in classes, I never participated in any extra-curricular activities or even sports as it did not seem to please my father. The disapproval continued and my efforts in alternatives to focusing on what I needed to do, continued. If I was not doing well in studies/exams, I was supposed to study more or take help in that, instead I studied just enough to show him and as soon as he was out of sight I would stop. I did not see the point. As a result, I use to fall behind in understanding all subjects and I would fail. I became a big ball of excuses in telling myself on all the reasons why I was not doing well. And the excuse was always different from the real reason, as the real reason pointed me in the direction of working on it. As I said, I could not see the point or could not bring myself to motivate myself to do the work. The work that did was according to me never up to the mark and the rating systems always agreed with that thinking of mine. I also became a dodger and I would choose to avoid rather than to confront and address where I needed help. I also had no friends for the same reason, my father would ill-treat them too and their parents would scold me.

By the time I realised that the suffering was all mine and to do well in any and all areas of my life I needed to move from this, I was sucked too deep into the belief of not being good enough. I worked hard on what I needed to work on, when I was pushed by fear and that included carrying out religious rituals. I never seem to do enough and I never seemed to do it in the right direction. The disapproval had started to spread, from anyone and everyone in my life and in all areas. I was not able to receive love or approval even from one person including my own self. This was so painful that I started eliminating people by emulating my father’ behavior. Because it was not true behavior or in agreement with ‘my prosperity beliefs’, so it boomeranged.
I kept trying to do everything on my own to prove myself and ‘pass with flying colors’, something I had never achieved. Because my foundation was weak, there was no self-motivation and there was an aversion towards taking external support.

Whether it was health, establishing myself in work or consoling in my personal loss I had never attracted any loving support system. The painful belief that something was amiss in me was further added through the quality of relationships and their opinions. I was just getting by. I was very clear that regardless of what I do it was not enough as I was never enough. In college and University, I became a rank student and I still found excuses to substantiate that I was still not enough. I attracted love and lost love and it was all because I did not feel enough. ”

G continues to explain her ‘seeing London going Tokyo situation” with another part of her life example, “A cousin of mine failed her second-year graduation exam. When she was asked, she swore that she wrote fifteen pages in her exam. It was quite a wonder. So she was probed further on the answers she attempted. She said that she wrote nearly first 10 pages on the first essay that was on Independence Day in India. But, because she did not know much about it, so she wrote on the ‘Republic Day.’ True story.

G explains, “I had been doing the same thing all throughout my life. My efforts and my energy had been towards what was not the goal but what was someone else’s belief based actions.

I had been trying to prove to myself or my father or to the reflection of the part within me of my father. I had been trying to prove my capability and capacity. And I was not attracting kind, compassionate and reasonable help. Therefore, I had preferred to do everything myself. Another main reason was that, there would only be self-criticism to deal with.
I did ask for support and help when I absolutely had to. I attracted the support according to my willingness of allowance not what was best for me or what was my level of need. I found the support was limited and in every way including the quality and quantity.”

G continues about her experience with type of support system because of which she as dissuaded from taking help comfortably, “The only time I allowed people in my space to support me was when (a) I couldn’t prove myself in a certain task, or (b) I did not want to do a certain task. But I convinced myself that I am not able to prove myself.
The high quality opportunities, people, things that came were after a lot of effort but, my attitude of questioning my worth converted low quality. They left me, chose some one else right in my presence, betrayed me, took more from me and I accumulated with more hurt.”
And now comes G’s question after the whole prelude, “After reviewing my past, knowing the genesis and reason for not being able to receive help, why is it still tough to accept and/or to allow the support?”

Your first and best support system is always YOU.
You are answerable to yourself for getting the work done and reaching or accomplishing your goal.

Having support system is important.
When there are more entities in your space for the task you require them for then, your behaviour, schedule, temperament, pace, approval all have to align with the behaviour, schedule, temperament, pace, approval of others. Both need to be answerable to each other to establish the alignment. A lot more gets done and much faster.

Making best use of your support system is important.
For that you need to have clarity in understanding of authority and responsibility. This requires tremendous support for self from self. Any resistance, blockages that were keeping you from achieving that has to be acknowledged, addressed and solved (you need to seek solution for that.) Which starts with you having the willingness to do that. Anything in you that has been postponing the maturation of this understanding, has been responsible for the dis-allowance of ‘quality’ support that you ask for or need. Till you allow the understanding to be implemented in your space, the support you permit in your space will keep missing its mark.

How to recognise that you were blocking support earlier and that you are not doing that anymore?
For this do a self-assessment,
Are you a team player? How are you in teamwork? Have you shared a living or work space?
How were you with your siblings, cousins, neighbors, classmates or colleagues?

(i) You are to notice if you are uncomfortable, not motivated, never did/felt enough or so you said to/about yourself, in participating, contributing, giving or getting approval in teamwork.
(ii) Give it a number. Zero being the least and ten being the highest.
(iii) Each time you encounter discomfort in teamwork you give it a number and keep an eye on  how soon you convert the discomfort to ‘not uncomfortable anymore.’
This will tell you about the distance you have covered from blocking support to allowing support.
For every task in your life use this assessment. The number will start nearing zero and the time span of reaching from discomfort to ‘not uncomfortable anymore’ will start to reduce.

The amazing part of this assessment is that you can count yourself as a team member and check the cooperativeness and coordination with your own self. Did you enjoy doing the task with yourself? Next you can compare the enjoyment level. The more you recognise this the more you get this and the quality and quantity of the support system starts to improve.

Have this self-conversation.
“I listen to my thoughts. I abide by my decisions, suggestions, and ideas. I take a step or two as a gesture of its acknowledgment. Even the most subtle support is accepted by me. If I recognise the support after its departure or after the moment has passed then, at least I acknowledge it.
The more I take the above action(s) I see the improvement in my statistics of allowing and accepting support.
I do things that are fun and I do things because I want to. If the support system introduced is likable by me then I don’t need to compromise, sacrifice or get upset. I have a choice. I am clear so I just need to align.

I also remember that I, me and myself is the first team I work with. So I don’t need to wait to be part of a team of more members. I apply the same steps of practice when the opportunity of being a team member with others, presents itself.

I get my work done.”

Understood your life, so what now?
(a)
Be clear on your role and your contribution. (b) Keep adding to your skill set. (c) Be communicative. (d) Be cooperative. (e) Do your bit. (e) Notice, note, and acknowledge your bit and benefits from it.

In conclusion.
When external help arrives you receive it or you don’t based on the level of its attractiveness to you. Express gratitude for both. For it is telling you the vibrational alignment that is responsible for this support. This will give you an option and another opportunity to get clear on the type of support you desire. This will increase my vibration and you will be able to attract more attractive support in your space that will be comfortable and it will be elating and motivating for me to receive.

The reluctance to share, over dependencies, and over the top loyalties are evidence that you still see yourself not doing enough. What you share and how much you share is adequate sharing. Dependencies are good but you need to channelise on the dependencies that are right for you. Loyalty has to start with self.  Once this is addressed important thing is that your work gets done and you feel enough.”

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Reena Yadav

Life Coach, Writer, Researcher, and Proprietrix- IADLife

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