Understanding and removing blockage in receiving help
IADLife Next Chapter: https://itsadeservinglife.wordpress.com/2018/06/25/receiving-help
What causes the blockage in taking help?
This has been explained using a case study, how these blockages quietly seep in and get so deep-rooted that recognising it requires a detailed analysis.
Case Study: G narrates her life experience. “When I was growing up, my father suddenly became rude and cruel to me while my parents were trying to have their third child. I was the second daughter and I was made clear early on that I was ‘extra’ because what they wanted was a boy. To show his discontent about my presence in and around him my father, became very vocal about how everything about me was causing him distress. So he started pointing out to my eight-year-old self through his conservative thoughts that he saw wrong in me. That started planting a belief in me that registered in me as I was not good enough and therefore is I need to do better. My mother followed suit. Her actions seemed to agree with him. She got upset with me easily as compared to my siblings. Beatings happened and one time pencil jabbing in my palm while she was trying to teach me also happened. She never came to rescue me from my father or even to give me assurance of any kind that would refute my father’s attitude towards me. I stopped complaining to them. I started complaining to myself. That became self-blame. All the blame, scarcity of approval and lack of direction and guidance was pushing me more and more towards picking up scraps from what my understanding of what possibly pleases my father. That was primarily to get into his good books. That never happened.
My father was religious as I gathered from his prayer rituals and reading of the religious books. As an example, my father asked me to read through a chapter of a religious book a day before my exams results were going to be out. I did it. There were some sentences with which I completely disagreed even as a ten-year-old, but I carried out his wish of reading it anyway. This continued as I grew older. I never worked hard to get anywhere to succeed in anything I just looked for alternatives like religious steps like visiting holy places and reading religious books. I failed in classes, I never participated in any extra-curricular activities or even sports as it did not seem to please my father. The disapproval continued and my efforts in alternatives to focussing on what I needed to do, continued. If I was not doing well in exams, I was supposed to study more or take help in that, instead, I studied just enough to show him and as soon as he was out of sight I would stop. I did not see the point. As a result, I use to fall behind in understanding all subjects and I would fail. I became a big ball of excuses in telling myself on all the reasons why I was not doing well. And the excuse was always different from the real reason. As the real reason pointed me in the direction of working on it. As I said, I could not see the point or could not bring myself to motivate myself to do the work. The work that did was according to me never up to the mark and the rating systems always agreed with this thinking of mine. I also became a dodger and I would choose to avoid rather than to confront and address where I needed help. I also had no friends for the same reason, my father would ill-treat them too.
By the time I realised that the suffering was all mine and to do well in any and all areas of my life I needed to move my butt, I was sucked too deep into the belief of not being good enough. I worked when I was pushed by fear and that included carrying out religious rituals. I never seem to do enough and I never seem to do it in the right direction. The disapproval had started to spread, from anyone and everyone in my life. I was not able to receive love or approval even from one person including my own self. This was so painful that I started eliminating people by emulating my father’ behavior. Because it was not true behavior or in agreement with my true beliefs, so it boomeranged. I kept trying to do everything on my own and ‘pass with flying colors’, something I had never achieved. Because my foundation was weak, there was no self-motivation and there was an aversion towards taking external support.
Whether it was health, establishing myself in work or consoling in my personal loss I never attracted any loving support system. The painful belief that something was amiss in me was further added through the quality of relationships and their opinions. I was just getting by. I was very clear that regardless of what I do it was not enough as I was never enough. In college and University, I became a rank student and I still found excuses to substantiate that I was still not enough.
A cousin of mine failed her second-year graduation exam. When she was asked she swore that she wrote fifteen pages in her exam. It was quite a wonder so she was probed further on the answers she attempted. She said that she wrote nearly eight to nine pages on the first essay type that was on Independence Day. But, because she did not know much about it so she wrote on the ‘Republic Day.’ True story.
I had been doing the same thing all throughout my life. My efforts and my energy had been towards what was not the goal but what was someone else’s belief based actions.
I have been trying to prove to myself or to the reflection of the part within me of my father. I had been trying to prove my capability and capacity and therefore, as a result, I preferred to do everything myself. The reason, there would only be self-criticism to deal with. As a result, the support started being very customised according to my pace and my willingness of allowance. Thus the support was limited in every way including the quality and quantity.
The only time I have people in my space to support me is when (a) I can’t prove myself in a certain task, or (b) I don’t want to do a certain task. But I convince myself that I am not able to prove myself.
After reviewing my past and knowing the genesis and reason for not being able to receive help, Why is it still tough to accept and/or to allow the support?
When there are more people in my space then, my behaviour, schedule, temperament, pace, approval all have to align with the behaviour, schedule, temperament, pace, approval of others. Both need to be answerable to each other to establish the alignment.
I am answerable to myself for getting the work done or reaching my goal.
I need to have clarity in understanding on authority and responsibility. That requires tremendous support for self from myself. Any resistance, blockages that were keeping me from achieving that has to be acknowledged and solved. And I need to have the willingness to do that.
Anything in me that has been postponing the development of this understanding, has been responsible for the dis-allowance of support. And therefore till I allow the understanding to be implemented in my space, the support I allow in my space will keep missing the mark.
And the SOLUTION to this is in knowing the following:
(A) How did I recognise that I was blocking support earlier and that I am not doing that anymore?
For that, I had to find out, (i) if I am a team player?, (ii) how am I in teamwork? (iii), had I shared a living space?, (iv) how were I with my siblings or cousins?
I was to notice if I were uncomfortable, not motivated, never did enough or so I said to myself, in participating, contributing, approving in a teamwork. I give it a number. Zero being the least and ten being the highest. Each time I encounter discomfort in teamwork I give it a number and I notice how soon do I convert the discomfort to ‘not uncomfortable anymore’ and that tells me how far I have reached.
I listen to my thoughts. I abide by my decisions, suggestions, and ideas. I take a step or two as a gesture of its acknowledgment. Even the most subtle support is accepted by me. If I recognise the support after its departure or after the moment is gone then at least I acknowledge it. The more I take the above action(s) the better are my statistics. I do things that are fun and I do things because I want to. When the support system is introduced I don’t need to compromise or sacrifice. I am clear so I just need to align.
I also remember that I, me and myself is the first team I work with. So I don’t need to wait to be part of a team of more members. I apply the same steps of practice when the opportunity of being a team member with others, does present itself.
(B) I have understood my life, so what now?
- Be clear on my role and my contribution.
- Keep adding to my skill.
- Be communicative.
- Be cooperative.
- Do my bit.
- Notice, note, and acknowledge my bit and benefits from it.
- When external help arrives I receive it or reject it based on the level of its attractiveness to me. But if I do agree to receive it I express gratitude for it for it is telling me the vibration that I am in and also for the contribution in my support. This will give me time to get clear on the type of support I desire. This will increase my vibration and I will be able to attract more attractive support in my space that will be comfortable and elating for me to receive.
The reluctance to share, over dependencies and over the top loyalties are evidence that I still see myself not doing enough. What I share and how much I share is adequate sharing. Dependencies are good but I need to channelise on the right dependencies. Loyalty has to start with self. Once this addressed important thing is that my work gets done and I feel enough.”
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Life Coach, Writer, Researcher, and Proprietrix- IADLife