Monthly Archives: August 2021

You attract what and when you ask for

You attract what you ask for.
You attract when you are ready for it.


You attract what you ask for.
You attract when you are ready for it.

R’s friend ‘A’ told her that he is ‘not interested in romance.’
Then why does he flirt and tease? She wondered. She had seen him being comfortable doing this with his female colleagues. Well at that time they were not friends, and she had seen him here and there in the passing, and in those few times, she had seen him do exactly that. Her thoughts about him at that point were,  he acted like an ADD younger brother-in-law of the family (devar in Indian culture) who likes to hop-scotch around without being sincerely/seriously responsible for any of his escapades. When they did become friends he asked her about her. To her reply, he said, ‘so you are single ready to mingle.’ She rephrased, you know I don’t want to send that message to my Universe so I say, I am available.’
Many months later, she asked him if he was available. ‘If you are married, engaged, or in love/like with someone, you cannot say you are available’, she asked for a clear answer. ‘I am available for me’, he replied, ‘if it has to happen it will happen.’
And so she wondered then why does he flirt and tease? She had noticed that his colleagues seem to like him. So gets the attention but does not want it?
     
Teasing is in actuality bullying. The other person feels so compelled to endure the ‘teaser’ that the ‘teaser’ feels the permission to continue till their attention is required elsewhere or until they feel rejected by the lack of desirable response from the teasee’ (receiver) and they stop. Teasing or bullying, the effect is the same. In both, the receiving party is either shy or meek, it could be either due to love, like, attraction, or fear. And the person, the receiver is still in the process of gathering/mustering energy/courage to respond, but the interaction itself is over. It is the same, it feels incomplete, in both teasing and bullying.
In both, the subjecting party wants to feel superior. They do feel attracted and they do not know how to convey, ‘Hi! can we talk’, ‘I like you’, ‘I would like to know you better’, ‘Could we have coffee sometime’, ‘this is what I think about you.’ Instead, they convey it in the form of unavoidable/uncontrolled mostly one-sided conversation, smiles, grins, other body gestures, and favors without even knowing whether the other person wants them. One thing is clear here and that is lack of responsibility, lack of result expectations, and lack of accountability to consequences which comes with the territory of flirting and teasing.
Flirting and teasing are also a form of expression of asking for help in communication, association, and connection.
One who flirts has been flirted with before, one who teases has been teased before. And here is the kicker, they have felt rejected before. There was a lack of consent on their part. So if someone can do that to them and get away with it, then why not them?
‘A good communication solves everything.’ –Reena Yadav. IADL.

One who flirts and/or teases will only find someone else who is unable and unclear about their value too. They attract what they have asked for. That is someone who lacks or is dealing with their enoughness or lack of it. They attract ones who question their worth and will not be able to respond in a manner that could be a healing communication for both parties.
When will this happen? When does it happen? When does the subjecting party attract its receiving party? They attract when they are ready for it. Being ready is being aligned. When the subjecting party is craving for connection and the receiving party is looking for validation for their questioning beliefs, there is an alignment. Teaser (subjecting party) meets the teasee (receiving party).  
Each of us can choose to change. Would you choose? Or is this your comfort zone? What do you choose?   
Remember rejection is not such a bad situation, it just says there is a lack of alignment between giver and receiver.
For a receiving party, a misalignment occurs when what they want to receive is not what they are attracting, they don’t know how to receive, they are not sure whether they need it, it is a simple case of ‘wrong order’ or they changed your mind.
For a subjecting party, a misalignment occurs when what they are giving is not what they want to give, they recognise that are offering to the wrong party, or they changed their mind.
R’s friend A did get the attention but does not want it from them. He flirts and teases because he is just a boy who wants to have fun.
The only thing each of us need to do, is to get clear. If A says he is not looking for romance, it is a choice he has made, it is his right. After all, his words are creating his reality. Even if romance stands facing him and keeps coming to him he will recognise or have the confidence to receive or even address it when he acknowledges that he is actually looking for romance with/from the person he feels is right for him.
Accepting a friend exactly as they are whilst feeling safe and having the freedom to express to them is, friendship.     
      
Inspired by R’s friend A.
Reena Yadav. IADL.