Why does un-forgiveness persist? – Wednesday Why?
IADLife Next Chapter: https://itsadeservinglife.wordpress.com/2018/07/03/why-un-forgiveness-persist
Some forgiveness happens immediately. Some happen a little later. In rest of the cases or situations, un-forgiveness prevails seemingly forever.
What are the circumstances, situations or conditions because of which you are able to forgive? In absence of these, the forgiveness does not happen.
Is it your likeness for the person, thing or situation? Is the likeness for an attribute or characteristics like beauty, speech, gesture? This could be of the person who is relative, lover, spouse, friend, acquaintance or even a stranger.
Is it that you see it as having no other choice? Is it the job you need, indispensable relationship, social obligation or fear of missing out?
If it is any of these reasons then you are not really forgiving. You are ‘shoving under the rug.’ Next time ‘the hurt’ or something similar to ‘the hurt’ cross your path all the unresolved un-forgiveness accumulates and surfaces.
When forgiveness does not happen immediately you tend to subject yourself to live and re-live the hurtful life situations again and again, in order to have an opportunity to prove yourself, perform, react, and to respond better.
When un-forgiveness persists for long it becomes a habit.
Each un-forgiven life situation remains with you. It eventually and very seamlessly becomes a part of your behaviour and expression.
Anger, irritation, and frustration that you feel for something minuscule is the piled up un-forgiveness. It can be for someone you like/love or for a complete stranger.
*Un-forgiveness keeps you from moving forward.
*Un-forgiveness keeps you from manifesting your desires and is responsible for manifesting what you don’t desire. That is because you are first and foremost unclear about what you want. Un-forgiveness is responsible for that and so you miscommunicate what you want.
*Un-forgiveness keeps you from forming a connection with your inner-self, higher-self, and other high vibrational entities- God, Angels, Source, Universe, Life. Un-forgiveness thus is responsible for misinterpreting the communication that you receive.
All the past data stored in you, that includes the data on un-forgiveness, determine your present and future life experiences. All the past un-forgiveness define your reaction in the present and this keeps you stuck in past.
To free yourself of the past hurt(s) you need to clearly and truly forgive. For that, you need to have a clear understanding of forgiveness.
What is ‘forgiveness’ for you? How does ‘forgiveness’ look like to you? ‘Forgiveness’ has to be about you. It cannot be with something that happens with someone other than you. Because if it is to do with something that happens with anyone else, it may bring transitional relief but ultimately there is no benefit for you in the long run.
Definition of forgiveness that was mentioned in Oprah’s life class from an audience member was, “forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could be any different.”
However, the present is your responsibility and you need to keep yourself from attracting such situations that are liable to cause un-forgiveness, in your life. You have to be mindful of recognising all the un-forgiveness, however subtle they are and work on releasing them.
For every situation – ‘What did you not like in the situation? Make a note.’
How do you know that you have forgiven? When you notice your anger, irritation and frustration level coming down. When you can laugh at the life-situation that would have otherwise offended and enraged you. When you are calm, indifferent or non-reactant towards the same life-situation that had earlier triggered a reaction that was not fun.
Actual permanent forgiveness happens when you are willing to find out what is it about the hurt that you are actually supposed to forgive and who is it that you are supposed to truly forgive? Invariably, every analysis and every de-layering will take you or point you to your own self.
It will point you to something within you that you wish to change. Something in your life that you have yet to achieve. Something as in an action that you wish you had done differently.
Recognising that is the initiation of the forgiveness. Taking that action for which you are holding un-forgiveness towards yourself or an alternate action is what will get you that forgiveness.
Case Studies that explain how forgiveness was implemented.
Case Study 1:
“F was dumped by his two girlfriends back to back. In both relationships, his girlfriend moved on to their next relationship and he saw it as if he was being treated as invisible. His initial un-forgiveness was of course towards both his girlfriends. On realisation that he had not been clearly saying what he truly wanted in his relationships. When situations were tough or rough in each relationship instead of dealing with it, he would wish that it takes care of itself and would go silent. But, because of his belief in loyalty, it was a compulsion for him to stay in the relationship rather than clearly communicating that he was unhappy about a certain aspect. As a result, he asked and he made himself invisible in both relationships. As a process of forgiveness, the action he now needed to take was to say words that would clearly convey what he truly desires in his relationships and be willing to be present and even face a life situation and take responsibility of his actions.”
Case Study 2:
“C was taking out her trash. She wanted to convey to the person in charge of collecting the garbage, that there were sharp edges in the cardboard she was disposing of. She said what she could, using her acquired knowledge of the local language. The guy replied saying something that she understood was impolite. Whether he said it in his way of being friendly or was being plain rude, C replied by giving a smile and slightly thrusting her tongue out expressing her incapability to reply. Her reaction was to get the work done.
Initially, she was upset with the guy. But her actual un-forgiveness was towards herself because she was badgering herself in her mind for not learning the language in spite of being in the town for long and because she saw herself unable to stand up for herself. She could choose to learn the language to attain the fluency needed and she could respond by asking clearly what was being told or if she understands and does not like the conversation she could say so right there to that person.”
Case Study 3:
“H realised that the summer was getting over in a week and his assignment that was due for submission was no were near completion. He has started but he did not complete for other engagements kept coming in his way. He was troubled that he was not disciplined and dedicated enough to respect his timetable and therefore could not get that from others. He could stay annoyed at all that had pulled him away from his assignment completion or he could get to work. He could resume his assignment and then set the schedule and timelines.”
Do remember forgiveness is not justifying what does not seem right. Forgiveness is making way for greatest and highest in everything that you deserve. Because it is a deserving life.
Forgiveness can also be pending when you see the need to ask for forgiveness from someone other than yourself. Un-forgiveness persists when you see yourself having done wrong. Here recognising that you could have done something differently or what you could do differently is expedited, as the focus on self-comes sooner.
Case Study 4:
Case Study: “J took his mother to a dentist. Everyone from the receptionist to the dentist was very polite the clinic was very hi-tech. The dentist when attending to his mother was very chatty and J could see that the dentist’s techniques were making his mother very uncomfortable. J continued to reply to the chat keeping one eye on his mother. He did not stop the doctor or ask his mother if she wanted the procedure to continue. After the clinic visit, J’s mother complained that her lower gums were numb and she was uncomfortable. J felt guilty of not speaking up on behalf of his mother and not stopping the dentist who was conversing too much during the procedure.
To get the forgiveness and feel being forgiven, him apologising is only the first step. He also needs to acknowledge to himself that he needs to get over the formalities and speak up anytime there is an uncomfortable situation where he is involved.”
The depth and magnanimity of the hurt are not proportional to the time it takes for the un-forgiveness to convert to forgiveness. It is your willingness to get to the action that you need to acknowledge and take, that determines how soon the un-forgiveness dissipates.
Harboring un-forgiveness till the other person can say ‘sorry’ may not get you to the forgiveness state. You need to be in the forgiveness state to receive it. That depends on how much you are willing to solve the matter. This also applies to where you see the need to apologise and have been waiting for the approval that follows.
Recognising, acknowledging and willing to or possibly actually taking action by you is the only way.
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